Dear future Shirley,
I was in love with a guy from the first
semester in my university life. We were so in love, we study together, went out
for dinner, sometimes lunch, sometime breakfast. I was always wanted to be by
his side, no matter what happened, I want him to be with me. As time pass by,
we both grew up and think that there’s no need to be together 24 hours. As in
my 3rd semester, we’re both stay outside the university. Our time
together was planned that we’re met in the class, twice a week went out to
spend together, sometime more than twice a week. He’s not a sweet guy; he’s not
a real handsome man like those other guys outside there. But I just don’t know
my heart choose him to be in my life. I just did. I don’t know why. Sometime
our relationships were getting hard, we fought each other, but then we still
managed to be together for 2 years. We argued about many things, sometime I get
mad by him because my favorite football team, Manchester United. But then he
makes everything clear and we’re fine after that.
After those 2 years, this was during a
long semester break. I was thinking about to stay with my friends at Selangor
rather than went back to home in Sarawak and doing part-time jobs and at same
time, I can meet him when I miss him and we can spend time together. So things
just go as I planned, I stayed with my friends in Selangor and worked a
part-time job in Subang Jaya. During that 2 months semester break, we only went
out together for one time; it’s supposed to be two times. That day, we planned
to go out after 12noon and meet in KLSentral. I don’t know which part I did
wrong, and which part he did wrong that makes us pick a fight. But then he’s
said, he will not go out with me anymore, he said he’s out of mood because of
that fight. I was like, “omg, I was ready to go out with him, now he said he
don’t want to go out with me anymore???” Then he said something that really
blown me out of my world. He said wanted to spend his time with his family together
during this semester break holiday because after this, in our final year will
be a busy year for our final year project. I was like “what about me? I stayed
here with my friends and my family is at Sarawak far from where I am. I planned
to stay here with my friends just because I wanted to see him. I want him to be
with me, maybe not 24hours during those 2 months. At least, perhaps just for a
meal like we did in the last day we went out” That moment, I feel I made a
wrong choice by ignored my family and makes him my priority in my life.
I was
totally mad, angry, and super angry at him. I said to myself, I want to break
up with him. I’ll find a way to break up with him and I’ll do anything to break
up with him. ANYTHING.
So I used a guy which I knew from
twitter. I feel guilty for what I had done to him. So I pretend I’m so in love
with this guy from twitter, we’re met and went out together. I don’t have any
feeling for this guy, when I was with him, I make everything looks like real
love, laugh so hard. After a few months, I dumb this guy from twitter. I just said,
actually I don’t have any feeling for him and block him in twitter or whatever
social network that we’re connected.
Then, my single life begins. It’s not
easy for me to forget someone who I was so mad in love with. We still see each
other in the class or during our course mates having dinner together. I know he
tried to make up with me. I know he’s still care about me, the way he wants to
help me during our first hike to CBL. BUT, the only thing is I am still mad at
him. I can’t take control over my emotions. Every time he wanted to talk to me,
I will just bash some cursed words to him. He was stung by an unknown insect
during CBL; I take it easy, perhaps just a little bit hurt to him. But then I
remember he has allergic to some insects, I would like to help, but I keep my
ego high. I tried so hard to hide my sympathy. I stayed away from him. I don’t
want him to come closer because it will make me weak.
There’s one day, I need
to settle their WiFI as it was registered under my name at TM centre in the town
that need me to go out with him alone. I don’t talk to him; he wanted to be
friend with me as we can’t make it as a couple. I can’t be JUST FRIENDS with
him. I can’t. I love him. I want him to be my love life. I wanted to say that
to him, but I just can’t.
Day by days passed, it’s been a year
we’re broke up. That one year, I tried to make up with 2 guys. The first one,
we’re last for one months and the second one last for 4 months. I broke my own
heart. They don’t do anything actually. Yeah, I know they are cheating on me.
But, I just keep holding on until they hurt me really bad. I just don’t know
what I had done to myself. I tortured myself, my heart. I ignored my heart
where it really wanted to go. YES, I hurt myself. Nobody does it but me.
Now, I want to lower down my ego to tell
you about something. All the times after we broke up, I realized that I still
care about him in silent. I always checking him, if he comes to class or not, I
checked his carry mark every time they post it in the Facebook. I’m having a
heart attack when I heard he had fall from during he rides his motorcycle, I
tried to find his motorcycle in the parking lot, so that I know he comes to
class. I turn back in shipping lecture class to check whether his coming or not
as he’s been not in the class for a long time.
I went to the field to do some
workout and I saw he’s there, jogging. I remember all those things he wants to
do with me. I remember how he feels so hurt when we broke up, he said now I
can’t do all those things together with you. He wants to jog with in the
evening at the field and he promised me a big teddy bear. That’s the reason I
always stare at teddy bear at some stores. In my heart, whispered to me, he’s
too late. At the time I saw he jogged at the field alone, I cried without
realizing it. It’s hurt but I still choose to ignore the feeling. I survived
because I have my girlfriends all around me. We hang out together, have fun and
make me forget a while about him.
But, now. I am alone. I feel fear control over me. The
fear of loss the people I love including him. This October 2015, we’ll be
graduated from university. We’ll make our own path of career journey. We’ll not
see each other in the class anymore; we’ll maybe not come cross each other life
after this. We’ll be separated for a long time, maybe for years. I’m afraid I
cannot admit that I am in the fear of losing him forever because of my ego.
Will he mad if I said this to him? Will he knows all the reason I didn’t make
up with other guys because I see them as him? I made a decision when I was
angry. That was a big mistake I ever made in my life. I regret it. I was so
afraid to fight for him but I’m too weak to let him go. I still remember he
said he wants to graduate together with me when we just started the relationship.
I never forget those words. “saya nak grad sama-sama dengan awak”. It’s always
in my mind and keeps reminding me.
Thank you future Shirley for listening
to the story of my life. I really appreciate it.
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